safe but not sound

I had my Date with Destiny last Friday - me, PD, the clueless HR person and PD's counterpart from beautiful New Joisey. I suppose I should feel better about the outcome than I do, but I don't.

My Turn In a Perfect Performance strategy worked, at least on the visible level. I was thoroughly humiliated when PD said that my performance had markedly improved, and unconvinced when she said that maybe some of my concerns were valid. In short, I was not written up - instead I got a pat on the head and told I was a good girl, and please be a good girl for another month. Then we'll have another meeting just like this, and the menu will be the same; we'll serve up more shit sandwiches.

I can't remember feeling so humiliated in years, perhaps decades. I think the last embarrassing moment that even comes close is when I fainted in the Manila airport.

The icing on the cake was when, after I voiced my concern (again) that I didn't have time to do my literary best, the NJ planet said that "hardly anyone reads the copy anyway". This came from someone who is supposed to write for a living, although to be honest, she's not that good at it.

I'm still trying to figure out why that last comment was so upsetting. I can only guess it's because it confirms that, until I find another job, I'll hardly ever have the time to do what I do best any more. And it won't matter.

So, to conclude, my salary and benefits are safe for the time being, but I feel like a toothless streetwalker.

At least the weekend road trip was fun, albeit chaste, but more about that later.