my can opener got hammered

I have not been happy with my can opener for some time, especially since it has never been able to cope well with anything bigger than a can of tuna. And it just makes a mess out of those oversized cans of dog food.

Last week I spent about 10 minutes attempting and failing to open a can of dog food. I ended up prying it open with a screwdriver, which added to the whole mess by spraying me with dog food gravy. I then decided that someone had to feel my rage, and it turned out to be the can opener.

This was the result after about 30 seconds' worth of me beating it with a hammer:

Although I felt more than a little silly afterwards, I also felt strangely good about it. Replaced it with a hand-held version.

An evil lusting after material things

Almost every day, I think about ways to de-clutter my house. Generally there are two factors that are preventing this from happening: my poor attempts to recycle things, and my inability to throw out any clothes. For example, I have three different stacks of recyclable paper waiting for me to tie them into bundles and put them into the recycling bin. Occasionally a cat will decide to luge down the pile of papers and they're instantly scattered everywhere.

When it comes to buying yet more clothes, I've done pretty well at not buying anything lately. But when I get a Gorsuch catalog I'm driven into frenzies of material lust. The catalog always features these beautiful Austrian-made jackets and coats, none under a thousand dollars.

I would happily sleep with anyone, male or female (just about) who would present me with one of these, for example:

My tax dollars at work

Over the last few weeks, I've found out more about the city's employees - especially those in law enforcement - than I ever wanted to know. I don't blog about them much as this person does a much better job than I would:

http://gritsforbreakfast.blogspot.com/

However, this evening's attempt to trap and move the Dallas jail's resident stray kitty to a safer place ended on an exasperatingly bad note.

Let me back up a bit. Several weeks ago, while leaving the Dallas county courthouse, several of us noticed a teenage kitty hanging around the sheriff's department parking lot. Upon closer inspection, we realized that while she wasn't feral, she wasn't quite pettable either. Since the parking lot wasn't a safe place for her, especially with winter coming on, we decided to trap and move her indoors. I have spare room and am not far from the jail, so I volunteered for the job.

My first two attempts - one earlier this week, and one earlier this evening - met with failure. The kitty would come quite close to the trap and even rub her face all over it, but she just wouldn't go in. A larger trap would help, but our humane traps are not cheap and often stolen.

After about an hour, I finally decided to remove the back door of the trap so the kitty would at eat food from the trap, even if she only had to stick her head inside. When she was done, I walked off to the parking lot, only to be accosted by a sheriff's deputy.

Here's the kicker: he accused me of dumping the cat in their parking lot.

He insisted I "take the cat back home with me".

Did he really think I was that fucking stupid? Of all the places to dump an animal, I'd do it next door to the sheriff's department and county jail?

It was all I could do to say "Do you really think I'd go to all this trouble - including pay $3 for parking - to dump a cat here?" Instead, I explained I was a cat lady who was trying to catch the cat.

He gave me this bovine look as if he didn't believe me. It reminded me of Keenan Wynn doubting Peter Seller's reasons for trying to telephone the President in the film Doctor Strangelove. (Wynn's character was the wonderfully named Bat Guano; here he is in the film, about to vandalize the Coca Cola company's property.)

I then said "You catch that kitty for me and I'll be happy to take it home." He actually tried, but of course the kitty took off.

I then explained that the reason I wasn't able to catch the kitty is that other sheriff's department employees had been feeding her, and that I was with a nonprofit rescue group, and that we had been trying to trap her for a while. He finally bought the story - I think. I really don't care if he did or not.

No wonder the feds are suing the Dallas County sheriff's department.

the sad Ann Coulter

Sometimes just one book can ruin your lunchtime, especially if they're positioned where you can't ignore them. This happened to me at lunch when I went into the local Barnes & Noble. I was minding my own business when I realized that Ann Coulter was staring me down from the cover of her new book.

Since she is, among other things, not the most original writer who lived, the title of the new book was no surprise: "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans." However, upon giving it more thought, I realized she'd probably offended at least as many conservatives as liberals.

To save yourself a trip to amazon.com, here's a quote from the new book, with Ann's take on the environment:

“God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, ‘Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours.’”

Her public persona never changes. She always displays a weird combination of inflated ego and desperate need for attention. Her books' covers are the products of her belief that she is a goddess. Although she considers herself a great beauty - take a look at her voguish poses that take up almost the entire cover of each book if you don't believe me - she has an odd, bony, bosomless figure that her stretchy outfits accentuate. But she is unable to see herself realistically; if she did, she'd never go outdoors in most of those outfits.

I only spent a few seconds looking at her newest book. Although I think I'm supposed to be outraged by it, I'm not. There's never anything new - just another collection of embarrassing statements designed only to shock. She'll never convert anyone to her alleged beliefs as she's not interested in converting anyone. And that would require some deep thought. One-liners are easy.

Ultimately she's like the kid in 1st grade who will eat dog turds out of the playground sandbox when there's an audience. Or the girl in junior high who will blow anyone who asks. Although the other kids are as disgusted as they're fascinated, they won't be able to stop talking about their classmate; at least not for an hour or two.

I can only guess Ann considers herself shortchanged somewhere along the line, although I can't imagine where this happened.

This cartoon says it all better than I can:

Ultimately, Ann is a sad case: someone who oddly describes herself as a Christian and believes that women shouldn't be allowed to vote because they always vote stupid, "especially the single ones". Coulter is single.

When TV made history - and I was there

Bored people with computer access - like myself - have often found Wikipedia a good way to waste time (unless you like to play Trivial Pursuit).

While nosing through lists of worst TV shows, I followed a link to TV shows cancelled after just one episode. One was Australian, and I actually remember watching the show while in my Paddington rental at 79 Windsor Street while ironing my clothes for the next day. I also remember seeing the show suddenly disappear.

Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos

1992 comedy series spun off from Australia's Funniest Home Video Show, hosted by Doug Mulray. This show was actually cancelled during its first episode when then-Nine Network owner Kerry Packer reportedly called the station and personally ordered them to "get that shit off the air." After a commercial break, the network cut to a rerun of Cheers citing technical difficulties.

Nobody bought the technical difficulties story, and it was all over the newspapers the next day.

The show was no great loss. I vaguely remember two scenes: one of a little girl naively checking out a kangaroo's testicles at a petting zoo, and an obviously-drunk bungee jumper wearing a kilt with nothing under it.