a guide to forking with Instagram scammers

Although I generally stay busy with work and cycling in these covid-limited days, sometimes I enjoy toying with the nonstop parade of romance scammers who approach me on Instagram. When I say enjoy, I enjoy pretending I've fallen for their spiel.

Their approach is always the same: they are in the military or work on an oil rig, they are widowed, they saw my photo on Instagram and want to get to know me better. Some cut to the chase and insist I am beautiful. 

Although I've yet to come across a scammer who wasn't easily picked out by a goofy name - and a Google or Yandex image search busts 90% of them - I still play innocent at first. Of course, everything I tell them about me is a bald-faced lie, including that I recently inherited the family fortune. When I allude to my faux riches, this gives most of them a particular hard-on for me and they crank up their efforts to woo me.

Depending on the amount of fun I'm having, I'll lead them on for days or even a week or two. This isn't always possible, as they often try to connect with another Instagrammer who also recognizes the scam, but prefers to report them instead of fucking with them.

I may eventually give my scamming Lothario my email (I keep an untraceable one for this purpose; it's changed frequently) to extend my fun, especially if we've reached the point where they want to send me some $$ and need my bank details. Or, if they need to move cash quickly and want my help. These jerkwads are dreadfully unimaginative when it comes to theft.

Another ploy is to make up ridiculous and non-existent activities. These amuse my friends the most (I'll sometimes do screen grabs of these to share). My favorite: when asked what my hobbies are, I always reel off some boring ones, but insert something nonsensical. For example, I've told many a romancer that I loved photography, country music and turnip racing, and ask if they've ever attended a turnip race. A few say that they have.

Alas, all of my Instagram romances must end when I get bored with it. Although I sometimes tell them I find them unattractive and could never have sex with them - they seem to be genuinely shocked by this - I usually tear them a new one for assuming women are stupid enough to fall for their juvenile scam. Lastly, I send filthy memes that tell them to eff off. Some lose it and call me names, some just disappear. 

For anyone who finds this pursuit a waste of time: remember, the more scammers' time I waste, the less time they have to find a gullible victim. And I hope they're paying for wifi by the hour.