The return of the drunken idiotic bitch neighbor

For the last few years, the house next door has been rented to a couple in their 30s. It's one of those odd relationships that most of us wonder about: he's attractive and polite; she's an overbearing, hard-drinking pig from hell.

Some nights, like tonight, she'll invite a girlfriend or two over. They will sit on their porch and kill a couple of bottles of wine. Usually this culminates in the nice guy getting verbal abuse from the drunken girlfriend.

Tonight, Drunk Bitch decided to take exception to the fact that she saw a baby possum go underneath Chez Melina. I had walked outside to get something out of my car, and she lit into me. She began screaming that I shouldn't feed my porch cats, as I was bringing raccoons and possums into the neighborhood.

Although arguing with a drunk is like watering a dead plant, I finally grabbed the empty food bowls and showed them to her. (According to Texas Parks and Wildlife, the best way to discourage urban-dwelling possums is to remove all cat/dog food by nightfall.) But this made no difference; she kept accusing me of all sorts of rodent husbandry.

She then escalated the whole mess and began threatening me, claiming that her boyfriend had called Animal Control and reported me six times that week, and that she'd seen no fewer than 14 kittens on their porch. (There IS one stray kitten on my porch, who I'm currently attempting to trap.)

I suggested that she provide me case numbers from Animal Control, and photos of the 14 kittens. I then suggested she cut down on her drinking.

This escalated her into a literally mouth-foaming rage. She began shouting nonsensical complaints about just about everything in sight, including the fact that I'd disturbed her by having the brickwork on the side of the house repaired. She then snapped that she'd make sure I lost my job. When I replied that she was too late -- I'd been laid off two weeks ago -- she didn't even comprehend what I'd said. However, her girlfriend was only mildly sloshed and looked horribly embarrassed.

When she went into Foaming Mode, her nice boyfriend and her drinking partner both tried to shush her without success. Nice Boyfriend finally lost his temper and began yelling at her (he was inside working on some software project). Her drinking partner quickly departed, not looking at me.

So I went indoors and turned off my porch light, but didn't close my door. I could hear a quieter conversation between her and the long-suffering boyfriend. She kept snapping "I'm done," going on and on about the inherent evils of baby possums. He kept pointing out that there was no benefit to reporting me to sundry authorities. Eventually they went inside.

I was curious to see if she'd call 911. I was sort of hoping she was. Can you imagine what the cops would have done if an obviously drunk person insisted they arrest her neighbor for harboring a baby possum?