Archive (where Noah kept bees)

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Not quite a Grumpy Cat Christmas

Although I spent the last weeks dreading another lonely Christmas, things turned out pretty well. One work colleague invited me over for dinner, and another invited me to the movies. And Daniel* took me to brunch on the 24th.

But the future still holds little attraction for me. Part of me is getting over Cincinnati* - I haven't burst into tears for several days now, but part of me is cursing myself for neglecting him. After much thought, I realized that neither of us were good at communicating some important things, but I kind of doubt he's figured this out. 

I would pay good money if someone could provide a strategy/spell for getting him back. Not now though; I need to stay off his radar 100% for a few months. He can't miss me if I don't go away.

* See Key to Characters at right.


The patron saint of cyclists

After I sent Cincinnati* a final email last week, explaining in detail why I had not been able to pursue our relationship, I went into no contact mode. I don't think he will ever change his mind. I think he's moved on. 

I was careful to begin the final email with the remark ... "now that you're gone from my life" so he would hopefully realize I was not going to drunk-dial, drunk-text, breadcrumb or otherwise contact him again. 

Yesterday, a gift I'd ordered for Cincinnati several months ago finally arrived from Italy. It's quite pretty - a silver medallion of the Madonna del Ghisallo for him to attach to his expensive Trek bike. I can't return it and can't bring myself to send it to him, so I've put it away for now.

I have also had time to think about how unworkable the whole relationship was. There are so many questions I'd like to ask him, but as we all know, I wouldn't get an answer. Here's a Cliff's Notes list of the questions:


  1. Why did he never once allude to feeling I was stringing him along, playing with his emotions, etc?
  2. Why didn't he discourage my visit last month? He could done this easily without hurting my feelings.
  3. Why didn't he discuss his emotions during my visit?
  4. Why did he say positive things during my visit?  Such as "I'm not seeing anyone else"? 
  5. When I told him of my bulletin board that held his Valentines and other things, this made him happy. He said "Good."
  6. Why did he say "It was wonderful seeing you again" the day after I left - only to never send another message except in response to my text enquiring about his health?
  7. Why did he read my last emails almost immediately after they arrived, yet block me on Facebook?


These days I'm trying not to think of Cincinnati, but now I am feeling progressively sorry for him. I think he's dreadfully lonely but has no idea how to carry on a real time relationship, so he spends hours on Facebook with his hundreds of distant cyber-friends (mostly older women). 

I'm certainly a relationship fuckup in my own right, but at least I realize that communcation's really important.

I still hope he'll contact me again one day and want to try again, but I think the chances of this are zero.


* see Key to Characters at right.



He's just not that into you any more. 

Even though I can't make sense of why Cincinnati* wanted me to visit him right up to the weeks before I arrived, he has pretty much told me he's done. 

Last week, after I saw that he'd told his Facebook friends that his MRI was clear, but hadn't told me, I blew up. I sent him a nasty text saying he'd hurt me more than anyone else in memory, and would he like a press release to tell the world so.  

He responded with a nasty text of his own, which I reproduce verbatim:

Please spare me with this. I was strung along for years including after we initially met in Dallas then suddenly you did a 180 on the 2nd meeting. My emotions were played with. I have been dealing with a lot of crap lately and haven't had the time to respond to your emails. I also don't recall ever expressing my love for you recently whatsoever. I'm not going to communicate any further. It's for the best.

I responded angrily at first, saying "Why didn't you simply tell me not to visit?".  No answer, so I then said that he had time to respond but he didnt.  No answer.

I turned off the phone and tried not to cry.

I spent the rest of the day reviewing the last years, and how I'd been so depressed during 2014 to 2016 as I had lost my job, my mother and my house. But I'd never really told him how upset I was. So he was right. I had strung him along.

I finally apologized by Gmail. I hope he read it:

I'm sorry I sent those texts to you earlier today. 

I can't deny I'm in a lot of pain over losing you, and I never understood the Instagram disaster as I still have no idea who I mis-identified as (censored). But suddenly, earlier today,  I just couldn't stand your silence any more. Please try to consider how I felt, especially since you were ill. I was convinced you were seriously ill.

I now understand that you really have felt strung on by me over the years, and I need to take responsibility for that. I just couldn't understand why you would be interested in a woman who was so far away, average-looking, and 17 years your senior.

And when I finally decided to stop finding logic in emotions and to be open to you, it was too late. 

I'm so very sorry it's ended this way. You're wonderful in so many ways, and you always will be.

Forgive my inconvenient emotions and dreadful timing, but I really do love you. 
* See the Key to Characters, which needs revision but I'm too depressed to fiddle with it.



The 40-year old virgin?

I think I may have figured out Cincinnati*.

I don't think he's ever had sex. 

The more I look at his social media - who and what he "likes" - the more I think this is true.  And the only time I asked him if he'd had a girlfriend before, he said "One". It appeared as if he did not want to discuss it, so I didn't press him. 

This is really sad, but doesn't excuse what I feel has been cruel and cowardly behavior on his part. But as I've said before, cruelty and cowardice are closely related. You rarely if ever encounter one without the other.

His social media is vaguely narcissistic, but this isn't unusual. But it's all photos of him cycling, or of his cycling pals, or with his family. He also photographs his meals now and again and puts them online, which I've always considered strange. Can anyone explain this to me?

Yesterday I decided to never contact him again, even though he read my previous emails within minutes of my sending them. But I don't think he's opening my emails asap because he cares for me in a romantic fashion. Instead, I am guessing he fears I'm angry at him and planning some retribution. Which I'm not. 

* see The Usual Suspects.


more tales of Cincinnati

I know I've gotten things all back to front regarding Cincinnati*, but he appears to have totally ghosted me now so I'll continue. Perhaps a reader can see the woods for the trees, and explain his actions. I'm pretty upset. I really was falling for him.

Let's back up to the previous blog post.

Although Cincinnati never responded to the letter I mailed, I finally wrote him a short email, explaining that I hadn't "unfriended" him on Facebook, but just turned it off for a while. He politely replied almost immediately and said that his tinnitis had turned into a numb face, vertigo and lack of taste, and he was scheduled for an MRI. This frightened me. But he said nothing about the letter, or my visit, or anything else. 

After a few days, i emailed him again, asking when his MRI was scheduled. He responded with a short note, telling me when it was, and that he was feeling a bit better.  He ended with this sentence:

I hope you're well.

This email arrived a week ago. I eventually answered and assured him I was well. But since then I've heard nothing from him.

But I did turn Facebook back on, and on Sunday I posted a one-word comment on his report of a Sunday cycling excursion. I said "Lovely!".  He liked it. That was all.

Yesterday I was looking at his Facebook page and was wounded to see that he had posted reports of his MRI. Nothing showed up. I had been fearing a tumour had been pressing on a nerve, so I was relieved, but I was dreadfully hurt that he hadn't told me personally of the results. He knew I was waiting for them.

After a couple of hours, I decided to grow a spine. I emailed him and said that although I was glad he was better, I was really hurt that he hadn't contacted me with the results.  I also asked him what the state of our relationship was, as I was confused, especially because of its seven-year history and his constant wooing.

He read the email at his usual 5:00 wakeup time (I tracked these emails) but he didn't answer.

This morning, I went to work and tried not to think about him. But I was coming to the realization that he wasn't going to answer my email. I was angry, hurt, but most of all - totally mystified.  I still am.

So I decided to send one last email to Cincinnati, to tell him something I'd never told him before. I told him that he was a great kisser.  This is true; he really is a brilliant kisser. Although they were doled out in a very limited fashion - once after our 2014 dinner, and when I asked him to kiss me goodnight during my November visit. Again, he read the email minutes after receipt, but didn't answer.

I spent some time scrolling through our years of Facebook messages, feeling mystified. Why had he been so serious about me for so long - even after we met in person?  I'm fully aware that some folks prefer imaginary girlfriends to real ones, but he met the real one and insisted he was even more smitten.

I don't plan to contact him again unless he contacts me. I just wish I could stop trying to figure him out. He seemed so honest, such a decent guy.

He did buy me some nice lingerie two years ago, sent me photos of it, and even talked about helping me try it on. But when I was at his condo, he simply handed it to me (in a grocery shopping bag). I thought this was because he felt unwell, but now I'm wondering: did he begin to reject me during my visit?